My Identity As A Writer Is Changing, And It Scares Me (Writing Update)

As I write this, the calendar says December 21st, 2022. Today is the day where I review my quarterly writing goals, inspired by Authortuber Jenna Moreci. Looking down the short list, I realize I have only completed two goals this quarter: outline the satire story for this year’s NaNoWriMo, and write at least part of the story. The stark contrast between last year’s goals and this year’s goals signifies how I have written less since everything started opening up after the pandemic.

Life has changed since then, especially since I discovered my passion for writing. On that sunny day in September, my mind crafted my biggest writing project, starting from a vivid image of a girl riding a dragon.

Six years later, my mind is now boggled with reality. I am now working a part time job, where on some weeks, I work full time hours. I have chosen to spend more time with my family after realizing the precious value of my loved ones. My motivation to write decreases as I continue to come home tired after work. My boyfriend introduced me to Terraria and I spent many nights hyping myself up to fight the Eye Of Cthulhu. Although I believe my schedule will be more relaxed after Christmas, I wonder if I will find the same well of motivation to write as much as I did when I was younger. Among other things, my priorities have changed.

I’m sure many people can relate to this: my brain correlates my identity as a writer with how much I write. Though I write plenty in my diary each night, I spend less time writing fiction, poetry, even blog posts. One of my goals was to write 9 blog posts for the month, regardless of whether I would publish them on my blog. I have written zero.

I’m not writing pieces and discarding them. I’m not forgetting about the novels I start and petting plot bunnies. I’m procrastinating. I’m hardly writing at all.

This collides with my changing ideas on writing. As my beliefs on society change, I wonder whether I want to use my money to self publish a novel, or try and get traditionally published. I wonder if I should leave my stories free for everyone to read on Wattpad, or if I should sell them and provide them for free.

I ponder whether my pen name still fits me. The name Bijou Bard is clearly a pen name as most know. Do I want to keep it or come up with something more serious, something that matches more with my real name, something that connects to my own ethnic background? Should I change it to something as subtle as Gemma Scribe? Should I take my grandmother’s maiden name?

I continue to ponder whether my stories will become how I want them to be. I wonder how I can edit Mysterious Dice for the 5th time, maintaining the first person point of view while making the story flow cohesively. I wonder if I should revisit Secrets for the time being and spend a relaxing vacation in such a comforting universe. My logical side itches for me to finish my satire story, yet my emotions say, “Enjoy the Secrets universe for a while.”

My mind is swirling with a thousand opportunities right now, without any clear end. Should I do it? Should I not do it? What if? Why? Why not? My identity as a writer is shifting and changing, and it scares me to have my identity challenged. If you struggle with the same issues, the best way to cope with them is through realizing identity is fluid.

I came to accept how my identity as a writer correlates with how much I write in 2020. However, I did not feel the full effects of it until now. Here are a few questions that helped me with my impostor syndrome and times where I felt like I was not a real writer.

• What does your brain tell yourself when you believe you’re not a writer?
• What situations is your identity as a writer challenged?
• How does feeling like you’re not a real writer impact your writing?
• How does comparing yourself to other writers make you feel?

In the end, it’s alright to question your identity. Many people go through a phase where they no longer feel like a writer, and for some people, they never return to formally writing. This is acceptable, as identity is fluid and can change overtime. It’s okay for your identity as a writer to change, and even
though you’re known as a writer, you don’t need to be a writer forever.

I believe I can find peace in my own identity. I believe I can find a gentle equilibrium between work, life, writing, and other hobbies. Although I procrastinate, lose motivation, and struggle with keeping up with all matters of life, I am still a writer. And as I continue to write, I will be a writer. My method may have to change a little bit, and that’s okay.

6 Tips To Make Outlining Easier

One of the most fun yet grueling processes of writing is plotting. The act of plotting – writing down the sequence of events in the story – can be both enjoyable and complicated at once. This process can be filled with thoughts, such as, “Will this event go well with this event?” and “How can I keep this important detail consistent?”

This is where having an outline can help. Having an outline is like making a sneak peak of the story without vivid descriptions, character interactions, and metaphorical language. Sometimes, outlines are simple bullet points, other outlines can be filled with detail. 

The process can be enjoyable because you get to find ideas for your story. The process becomes difficult when you do not know what will happen next. A common question I had when I was younger was, “How do I make outlining easier?” 

In light of that question, here are seven different tips on how to make outline easier. 

First and foremost, acknowledge how an outline is optional. Not everyone needs to write from an outline, particularly for the first draft. Two common categories in the writing community are people who plot before they write(plotters), and people who let the story come to them while in the process(pantsers). People who are in between those categories are called “plantsers.” I consider myself to be a plotter with some pantsing tendencies, especially when I find myself stuck on the breaking point of a story. 

Now, write down the character’s daily routine. Write down what they do in the mornings, afternoons, evenings, and nights. Write how it differs from weekdays, to weekends, from days they work, or days they choose to hang out with friends. Think to yourself: How could the plot move along by adding something outside the character’s routine?

My WIP Mysterious Dice takes place within the span of a month, give or take a few days. Because of this, I wrote down my main character’s routine for each day, and how it would change. I did this during the fifth draft of the story, though doing it earlier would have helped the time flow in the story.

Brainstorm the plot in bullet points before putting them in a chapter-by-chapter outline. By putting the whole story in bullet points, you can find ways to move the events around, connect them together, and create your story. If you feel like outlining keeps your writing constricted, this can create freedom while maintaining a degree of structure.

Keep a Thoughtdump. This can be a document, a notebook, or a folder in your Notes app.  Any miscellaneous information about your story can go into a thoughtdump, whether you want to dump all your thoughts at once, or write down ideas one at a time. Having a thoughtdump is beneficial for breeding ideas and having a place to explore them without committing to them.

After you have written down ideas in your thoughtdump, find a place to mark plot decisions you are going to put in the story. You can highlight them in a different colour, or copy and paste them into a separate document.

If you do not have a middle or ending for your story, write the beginning chapters and see where it takes you. Though this is less of an outlining tip, writing the beginning chapters can help create a spontaneous middle part. Some of my brightest ideas for my stories have come about without plotting them. If you are unsure on whether you are a plotter or a pantser, this tip can show you where you may stand on the spectrum. 

If you are out of ideas, search for inspiration in another type of media. Pick up a book, perhaps one in the same genre, or one in a different genre. Watch a TV show, the news, or cuddle in a blanket with a movie. The events from other types of media can inspire you to create similar events, causes, or repercussions in your story.

Crafting a powerful outline takes time. Along with time comes different methods, like writing what happens in each chapter, using a template or method like Save The Cat, and understanding how much information you want to use in your outline. 

I am always looking for advice on how to improve my writing. In my opinion, it is never impossible to have too many outlining tips. Let me know in the comments if you have any other outlining tips.

The Importance Of Journaling For Writers

Many writers get their start somewhere: doing a writing project in the third grade, starting stories on scrap pieces of paper, or being given a diary from a friend or family member. I had a variety of different starting points, encouraging me to write more often.

I have been journaling on a regular basis since the 5th grade. I kept a journal for all my secrets and all my changing feelings I wanted to burst out into the world. As a writer, this taught me how to express my feelings, as well as jot down any writing ideas that came about as a response to events in my daily life.

What’s a better place than a journal to jot down your life story? Aside from having an outlet for your feelings and thoughts, journaling can have an immense benefit on your writing.

Real life events can cause inspiration. From life-changing events(becoming a teenager, graduating high school, a life trauma) to the most mundane(getting stuck at a red light, washing the dishes), experiencing these events can bring you greater understanding of how a character may act in those situations. 

Will she be squirming at the thought of touching moist dishes with old food stuck on them? What stakes will being stuck at a red light have on a character who is late for work? Will a traumatic event in his life cause a mental breakdown and cognitive decline for years to come? Any of these experiences could happen to anyone. If you experience something significant, writing it down can help you recall it for your story.

And what’s a better place to write these things down than a journal?

Writing your emotions and sensations helps you understand how a character may be feeling in the same, or a similar, situation. I recall this snippet of a diary entry from October 18th, 2019, when I was having a mental breakdown at the age of 15:

“If one more bad thing happens in my life, I am going to scream.” 

Maybe your character is at the breaking point of the novel. She is going through immense conflict with her peers, along with dealing with some other stressful situation in her life, and she cannot take it anymore. Nothing positive can come out of the situation without immense change happening to the main character. 

Maybe this is your character’s daily life: a person lacking in patience, a pessimist who wishes everything could go right. Now, what would happen if this scenario was different? Would the character scream at the sight of something going wrong? Would she bite her tongue? What would happen after she screamed?

Most importantly, journaling gives you a judgement-free place for writing. While you are writing, you may feel pressure to make a perfect, or an as-perfect-as-possible draft for your story. Writing in your journal is something people are less likely to see, unless you decide to publish it in the future. There is no need to be perfect.

It’s okay if you don’t journal. The benefits of writing a journal can be reaped through other means. Still, there are plenty of benefits of journaling about life, which can create a sense of realism in the most fantastical, futuristic, or historic tales. 

Now, tell me: Do you journal? If you do, let me know how it has influenced your writing. If not, feel free to explain in the comments.

How To Distinguish Your Characters From Real People

When I was younger, I would often write characters based around people I knew. These characters had similar hairstyles, shallow interpretations of their personalities, and they would go through similar experiences as people I knew. I even had my own self-insert character, Blue, with an unknown superpower and my exact appearance.

Upon reading a writer’s craft book called Seize The Story, I read how making characters too similar to real people can cause a defamation lawsuit. This brought me back to the days where a few of my characters were carbon copies of people I knew.

So, how can we, as writers, prevent this from happening? I have outlined a few ways to help change characters who we may find too similar to real people for our taste.

Mix and match traits from different people you know. Instead of making one person have all the traits of one person, add traits from multiple diverse people. If you find three different people and write down three personality traits, you can create three characters. Sure, one may come off as similar to the other, especially if they share traits with one another. Still, it is better than making a character that is a copy of a real person, right?

Find a story, art piece, or song, and use it to inspire a new trait. If you are listening to a song, take a moment to contemplate how it makes you feel, or what the message is saying. If you are listening to a song about dancing and going to parties, maybe this character likes to dance and go to parties, or has a background as a dancer or a socialite. This is how I accidentally made one of my character’s backstories sound like the song Chop Suey. 

Flip around some of the traits the real person and the character have in common. For example, if the character and the person in mind are both smart, why are they smart? If the person who inspired your character comes from a privileged background, why not change the background to be less privileged? This can help with character development and creating a backstory to how they became smart, despite their lack of privilege.

As you write your story, you may come to discover your character changed along the way. They may start to have a passion for soccer instead of tennis, or more metaphysical passion for nature instead of an intellectual basis in science or math. This character changed as the plot of the story changed, and he became the main character of the story.

Remember, it is good to take inspiration from real life, as well as finding dialogue people say and using it in your own stories. The book that inspired this post emphasized the power of using real life situations to create inspiration and evoke realism.

It’s okay to have foundations of characters based on people you know. What matters more is making them distinguished and making sure they are not as similar as they are to other people you know.

It’s Okay To Take It Slow: A Quick Message To Busy Aspiring Authors

Two years ago, I let my mind wander to where my publishing journey would go. In the middle of a lockdown, I took advantage of my free time and wrote a novel, then wrote two more drafts of the same novel three months later. Throughout 2020 and 2021, I managed to write plenty of stories, both short and long.

Then, September 2021 happened. I attended my final year of high school and realized: I need to pay for my post-secondary education. My anxiety spiked at the thought of returning to a new version of a place that kept changing. My thoughts ran unrestrained, and I found it harder to write in this state of anxiety.

As another year passes, I realize I have used less time to work on Mysterious Dice, and in general, my writing. I am spending more time developing skills and working, which means my writing has been pushed to the side.

 I kept comparing myself to my younger self, two years ago. I wondered, “Why can’t I write as much as I did during the first lockdown?” The answer came to me as I rode the bus of new opportunities: it’s because I have been prioritizing other forms of work. Images came to my head of being able to publish my novel during my gap year, yet I have not started the beta reading stage.

During this time in the writing community, I retreated. I spent less time interacting with other authors on social media platforms, particularly YouTube.

For anyone who may be in this situation: it’s okay. It’s okay to make progress slower than expected, or slower than you imagined. It’s okay to lose inspiration, energy, and passion for your writing. Becoming a published author may take a long time to accomplish, and it will be okay if it does.

After all, you still have writing on your side. Even with having other hobbies and passions, writing will still be there for you to come back to it. This thought has brought me much solace in a time where I find it hard to sit down and write a blog post.

Even with other hobbies and passions, writing will still be there. It will still be around, whether you want to write for fun, or to publish your works, it will still be around. Your dreams may change, and it will be okay.

Future Writing Dreams And Ideas

hen it comes to story ideas, I am filled with them. Whenever I am working on a project, plot bunnies tend to go awry: what would happen if the creatures from my story had an uprising? What if a girl in my fictional country had a mission to prove how magic was real? How would my story be different if my main character was involved in a love triangle and solved it by polyamory?

Today, I will be discussing multiple future writing projects, some of which I have mentioned on the blog. Other ones are mere ideas, fragments of stories I believe have potential.

Space Story

This has been a universe in my mind ever since watching Voltron: Legendary Defender, and reading plenty of fanfiction. I created some fanfiction ideas myself: high school AUs, romances at local bakeries, and headcanons of the pasts of the main characters. Their adventures in space led me to brainstorm ideas of my own space opera, writing ideas of different planets with the help of Storybird.

From 2018 to 2021, this project stayed dormant. I did not work on writing any kind of chapters, or creating any kind of storyline. It had a group of heroes, a group of villains, some foreign planets, and angst to put the opera in space opera. It took me a while to think of a plot for the story, and so far, I have plotted ten distinct parts with ten to fifteen chapters.

So far, my main characters are drifting in space and flying to the nearest planet. I do not work on this as a big project, only a casual one when I have nothing else I want or need to write at the moment.

Romance Novels

I love reading YA romance novels. Romance is one of my favourite genres because I love to see people falling in love with each other. When characters have a good connection, it brings me joy to see them come together. I would be most interested in writing romance between two women, and a woman and a man, because I have the most understanding of those relationships.

It would be a fun challenges to include sexual content in them. I doubt I will, unless I have had a lot of practice writing erotica. It would be a fun challenge, though!

I like writing about men who are in love as well. The only problem is, I don’t know if I want to write a story between two men, or a man and a non-binary person, because I have no experience being a man or a non-binary person and dating a man. I feel as if I would be occupying space where other Ownvoices stories could shine.

A Memoir

I would like to write a memoir on why I take pride in being a “pest” and bothering people. This is through speaking up about my problems, struggling with a lack of support, and learning to take pride in who I am. I have already made names for this memoir, and I imagine it being split into two parts: the tale of learning about myself, and how I learned to accept myself. Otherwise, it would be split in pre-realization and post-realization.

I have written memoirs before, especially a short one on how I overcame my stage fright. Still, I feel like writing a memoir would be full of potential.

Poetry Books

I am an avid writer of poetry, especially if I am feeling emotionally charged. So far, I have fantasized about having three books: arcane neurology, abusive people, and attractive companions. The first is about my brain, the second is about, well, abusive people. The third one is about having friends as well as having romantic feelings for people.

So far, I have done little to make these poetry dreams a reality. My poetry remains an emotionally charged experience, and these projects are not my priority at the moment.

With the poetry I have written, I have compiled it into a book called The Capricious One. It remains on my Google Drive somewhere, unpolished and waiting for a review. This connects the most with Abusive People, as I wrote most of the poems about a particular person who hurt me.

Most writers have heard of plot bunnies, as well as experienced the phenomenon of a new, shiny idea. Still, it is important to focus on the current project because in the end, you can come back to it later. The idea will always be there, given you have written it down.

If you have any story ideas you would like to write in the future, I encourage you to make a blog post like this one. Include as many details as you like, and find yourself in your mind, thinking of the potential of these projects. Who knows, maybe it could inspire you to start writing one of your future story ideas!

Bracelet – A Memoir Filled With Pride

A memoir where I recall the time where I gave a bracelet to a girl I liked. Some details in the story are changed for privacy. To this day, I wonder if she still has it.

My body shook from the chill of the winter air and the nerves from my own plans. My hands fiddled in the pockets of my red coat. I looked from behind the wall, surveying the area to see if anyone but her stood in the vicinity of the snow-covered pavement.

I knew her and I always came to school before everyone else. Even with the snowy ground, our dedication to timeliness powered our feet through the snow. 

Nobody else stood near her. She stood there, moving from side to side, the same way I would do if I hadn’t been fidgeting with a bracelet in my pocket.

For probably the 35th time today, I took out the bracelet, observing its beauty. The plastic beads strung onto stretchy elastic moved nicely. Faux diamonds, in purple and blue, lined the elastic string I tied with a slip knot. The best thing I could ever give to a girl without revealing I had a crush on her. Nothing suspicious, just a bracelet I had laying around, right?

Taking a deep breath, I stuck the bracelet back into the pocket of my coat. “Come on, you can do this,” I muttered, my words becoming chilled breaths in the snow. “You can do this… You can move forward.”

It all started when I watched Steven Universe. A show I knew bits and pieces about, from online friends and anonymous questions. When people encouraged me to watch the show, I found a site and dived into the show. The characters had intricate personalities, and I could relate to their struggles, all before the show filled with allegories of trauma. I never paid excessive attention to the characters until watching the episode where Peridot appeared.

I admired her as a character. When she came into the scene at the end of Warp Tour, it excited me. 

It left me wondering because crystal gems had no sex, but used pronouns associated with women. If I liked Peridot that much, would it make me pansexual? I brushed off the thought, casually considering the label. I wouldn’t worry about it until my brain decided on it. 

As I went back to school, my feelings changed. I gazed across at the same girl I knew, who went to the same school for as long as I could remember. When I looked at her, feelings of spite and jealousy changed to butterflies and flushed cheeks. 

After muttering motivational quotes under my breath, my body took the first step towards her. The snow crunched underneath my feet, no matter how discreet I wanted this to be. My heart raced as I gazed down at the ground, fearing her eyes trying to glare into mine as I approached her.

“Umm…” I muttered.

She turned to me.

“I… I…”

My thoughts raced. I moved the beads around in my pocket, fervently hoping I wouldn’t break it by accident. 

The days had passed from when I worked on making this bracelet with unused beads from my childhood. My creative energy thrived on listening to Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys and writing poetry about my newfound feelings for this girl. When not creating, I obsessed over WikiHow articles, trying to determine my feelings. Friendship? Jealousy? Romantic feelings? 

Soon, I connected my thoughts on her to how I thought about other crushes. It didn’t click at first, because they differed in ways I could not explain. However, my feelings for her checked off most boxes of having a crush: thinking about her as I laid in bed at night, seeing things related to her, and most importantly, daydreams of holding hands and kissing her.

—

I carried the bracelet throughout my school days. I couldn’t plan for a day to do it, because I could not control the actions of other people. People came in the mornings and stayed outside in the winter snow, sometimes before she came to school. I had to plan for it every day, waiting for the finest opportunity to strike.

My little secret could be hard to keep, with memories clearer than sunny days of the times I could no longer hide my crushes on others. With how I reacted around boys I liked previously, people saw through me like glass. I, though two of my closest friends were out as gay, refused to show any signs of my feelings towards this girl.

Mishaps happened. In the middle of the snowy field, my friends immediately noticed the sparkly object dangling from my pocket.

“What’s that?” One of them pointed to what I had in my hand. This immediately drew the attention of the other. My heart raced with the gesture. As I knew the two of them could grab at it, I grasped it. 

“It’s a bracelet… I made it myself, it’s… for something.”

With my own breath of defense, I blew onto the window of my soul and obscured any suspicion of my bisexuality. This bracelet was for something, indeed. Something I would not tell others about until my confidence in my bisexuality grew. 

“It’s so pretty,” he complimented.  

The conversation dropped. I turned my head and sighed in relief, my breath turning into vapour. 

—

Making the bracelet reminded me of the dating craze, where everyone in the 6th Grade started relationships with other students. A mix of peer pressure and hormones, it caused chaos and crowds in hallways when someone asked out another student. Fortunately, the malleable rules of my parents(“No dating until you’re 16!”) prevented me from trying anything serious towards anyone. 

This girl had been in a relationship with other students. At this point, I was unsure on whether she remained in a relationship, or whether the two of them had split apart as the dating craze faded. It did not matter to me, my urge to give her the bracelet remained strong. 

The power of being another girl allowed me to give it to her without consequences. She may not see it as a gift representing my feelings for her. She may see it as unexpected, random, or feel loved after receiving it. Even worse: she will reject it and consider me to be creepy.

If I had to take a risk like that for the chance to try and communicate to her, then so be it. I’ve done something like this before, while breaking through the shackles of anxiety. I would have to do the same thing again, that’s all. 

—

“I owe you a lot,” I told her.

She turned to me. Her face demonstrated something I could not read. At this moment, it no longer mattered.

Jitters ran from my head, to my hand in my pocket, down to my boot-clad feet. Nevertheless, my body remained still like a robot created to serve. From my pocket, I pulled out the bracelet and offered it to her.

“Here.”

She stared down at it as a million thoughts raced through my mind. “For me?”

“Yes.”

She blinked rapidly, staring down at the bracelet I held in my hand. Would she hate me for it? Would she think nothing of it? Would she like me as a person for it, even after all the weird behaviours I’ve done around her? Even after feeling hurt by some of her actions, and feeling spiteful for them? Even after rejecting her birthday party invites by hiding them in the backyard?

“Thank you,” her voice heightened. Did she look surprised? Shocked? Was it fake kindness radiating from the most innocent people?

It didn’t matter. I finally did it.

“You’re welcome,” I told her, walking off as the conversation ended naturally. Retreating back into my natural spot, a smile appeared on my face while fiddling with the other random items in my pocket. The only thoughts playing through my head contained positive words in the present moment: I did it. I finally did it.

Sharing My Story Of Trauma

Content Warning: This post discusses suicide, mentions abuse, mentions self harm, and describes the high levels of anxiety one can face after a traumatic experience. The trauma is never described in detail, and there is a happy ending.

My Exciting Camp NaNoWriMo Project for July 2022

For the months of October, March, and June, many writers are busy outlining novels. They are brainstorming ideas, making choices, or choosing an idea to write without outlining it. Writers are creating characters, drawing landscapes from their imagination, and creating systems of logic to exist in their universe. 

What do these writers all have in common? They are likely to be preparing for NaNoWriMo… or in the case of June, Camp NaNoWriMo. I am one of these writers, making plans and outlining my story.

This year has been an interesting year for my writing: a scrapped fourth draft of Mysterious Dice, short stories focused on capitalism and mental health, working on brief outlines for the fifth draft of Mysterious Dice, essays, research articles, and syntheses. I have been focusing more on the stage of high school where I walk on stage and accept my diploma. While working hard, writing has been pushed to the side. 

In the summer, however, I plan to revive it like wide-legged jeans and halter tops. Having not written a fun story in a while, I will write a fictional memoir called Atlas. In the story, it will be written by the character named Atlas, but in reality, it will be written by me. 

This story chronicles Atlas’ life as they go through typical middle school experiences like friendships, harder homework, crushes, bullying, and teenage angst, all while comprehending their sexual orientation and gender identity. The story has a loose basis on my middle school experiences, which makes me excited to write it. 

The story starts at the beginning of the 7th Grade, moving slowly into the 8th Grade and demonstrating their growing confidence in themself. I think of the story as I fall asleep at night, letting it fill my mind like an adult bedtime story. So far, most of my plot points come from the thoughts that fill my head at night. 

My goal for the month will be 20,000 words. Though I plan on writing more, I have summer plans that may interfere with my writing. Still, I am thrilled to be working on my writing, as well as creating writing goals for the summer. 

For the rest of June, I will be working intently on my school projects, running to the finish line with my best effort possible. Alongside that, I will be plotting the story, writing down all the different chapter ideas that come to my head.

For those who are working on Camp NaNoWriMo this July, let me know about your projects! I love hearing more about what other people are writing and all their creative ideas. For those who are not, let me know more about your current projects, and whether you will be working on them through July.  

A Witch Goes To Therapy

Summary: A young witch is haunted by her dead, emotionally abusive family members. This piece of writing is a monologue of her ranting to a cleric.

Content Warning: Emotional abuse, death mentions, ghosts, swearing, dysfunctional families in general.

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